Bill The Sports Guy (Part 1)
Bill Simmons, or “The Sports Guy,” is the most polarizing sports writer in all of ESPN now that the mighty Stephen A has vacated this coveted position. Perhaps the difference between the two—apart from the obvious disparities in recognizable talent—is that Stephy lacks the army of loyal supporters willing to chainsaw any man or woman who speaks bad about their man like Simmons does.
To give you an idea of what I’m talking about: if Twitter were the game of war and the followers your army, Simmons could reproduce the D-Day Normandy Landings twice over and still have enough troops left to match the current US armed forces in Iraq. Stephy would struggle to match the opposition put forth by the Polish army against the Third Reich.
So there in lies the difference. Sporty Spice Simmons commands considerable allegiance. And yet, I find that I meet as many detractors of his work as supporters. It’s a peculiar quality.
Speak ill of Simmons in the wrong company and you face a verbal onslaught by a pack of rabid fans. From their remarks I gather that Simmons is the only real sports writer left, that he’s both funny and informational, that he’s the common man detached from the politics present in broadcast media, and, apparently, that he looks like he’d be a good “shag.” The last one was a remark made by a drunken British woman who was intent on switching a bar conversation from sports to her apparent looseness.
Why then, do I get the feeling when reading Simmons’ work that he’s a frat boy hothead? Not the alpha-frat leader either. He’s that one guy you find in every fraternity that the brothers seem to let in just so the rest of them can hate on him and also so he can fill the weirdness quota to random chicks. Example:
(Senior frat boy with freshman girl) “So you want a sip of my Natty Light? What…oh yeah that was Gorken who wouldn’t give you a Solo cup unless you let him touch you. He’s a fucking dumbass. Hey, I just got a wicked-killer idea. Want to show off your low self-esteem by blowing me? You don’t have to worry about any mechanical problems either because the tightness of my shirt ensures that the only part of my body getting any blood is my cock.”
Simmons fills the role of Gorken in the above scenario. Incidentally, if you aren’t familiar with frats because you haven’t attended a US college and had to deal with them, there is a similar scenario with a comparable antagonist. Simmons would be the token creepy guy all on his own in the lingerie store. Of the various women, couples, and boyfriends checking for underwear to buy, he’s that twitchy guy in the back near the vibrators sniffing random thongs until the store attendants ask him to leave.
Despite the fratty vibe, Simmons’ writing isn’t necessarily that bad. It’s symptomatic of having written for late night talk shows where one-liners are at a premium, but that’s not bad. It definitely has its place.
Simmons reminds me of two other popular comedy sources: Family Guy and Dane Cook. All three possess similar characteristics such as their undeniable success in their respective fields. However, the rival cartoon creators of South Park and, allegedly, The Simpsons both hate Family Guy, and fellow comics can’t stand Cook. I wonder if other sports writers share a similar contempt for Simmons. Success tends to breed hostility from peers, but the cartoon industry and stand-up comics have said it isn’t the success; it is the manner of succeeding that has caused such animosity. The general consensus is that Family Guy and Dane Cook get by on cheap thrills that lack the artistic creativeness of their competition.
I’d argue the same can be said for Simmons. His articles are effectively Family Guy in written form. He takes a topic, whether it is NBA, NFL, or whatever, and writes about it with interchangeable one-liners and pop-culture comparisons. But, once again, is that necessarily a bad thing? He clearly appeals to a large majority just like Family Guy and Cook. Whether you like it or not, you have to appreciate its appeal.
For me, it really comes down to three main issues with Bill the Sports Guy.
First, when reading his columns and particularly when listening to his podcasts, he possesses a quality I see present in many prominent sports writers. Simmons seems to have it in his head that he somehow holds a celestial influence over the outcome of sporting events through his writing.
This goes beyond simple jinxing, which is ridiculous, but nevertheless omnipresent in sports. As if Simmons writing an article about the Patriots being the best team ever before they played Super Bowl XLII against the Giants and then wearing a Randy Moss jersey rather than his usual Wes Welker jersey during the game had anything to do with the outcome of the contest itself. Yet there you go—some people believe in that.
The sports writers’ influence goes deeper. They seem to think if they write an article about the best trade that can be made, why a coach should be fired, what a player should improve in his/her game, etc. then somehow things will change because they wrote it. As if athletes sit down to read the articles and say “that fucking Simmons, I’ll show him with a triple-double tonight.”
And don’t get me started with this reverse-jinx nonsense or the “I’m writing about how bad the US Ryder Cup team is so that it will fire them up and they’ll win it. Oh look, they won this year and it’s all because of me” article. The more prominent a sports writer gets, the more he or she seems to think they have some manner of control over what they’re covering.
How great would it be if Simmons somehow lost his mind one time and actually took an active part in a game? Like in Super Bowl XLII if Simmons had suddenly run onto the field during the final drive, intercepted Eli Manning’s game winning pass to Plaxico Burress, and went streaking up the sideline only to have Michael Strahan catch up to him at the 50-yard line and horse-collar him so bad that it ripped his head off. That would be the only case where Simmons or any other sports writer could take an active role in deciding a game.
(Click here to read part two of this article)
The Editor
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