Bill The Sports Guy (Part 2)

(This is the second part of this article. Click here to read the first part!)

Second, Simmons has somehow convinced himself that he’s some kind of mental athlete. In a podcast conversation with Chuck Klosterman a few weeks ago, Simmons talks about when writers hit their prime and how he needs deadlines to keep his rhythm up and his brain firing. Simmons strikes me as a guy who would say something like:

“Oh man, that writing assignment had me getting brain cramps.”

Or…

“You know when MJ persevered through physical anguish in Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals to beat the Jazz on their home-court? Well, writing my 700-page book was totally like that. What a heroic performance under extreme mental duress from my publisher.”

In a similar vein, Simmons writes this about his fantasy sports abilities:

“My readers keep begging me for help and, frankly, I don’t blame them.  They’re coming to the right place. […] That’s me with fantasy hoops. I’m a savant. I didn’t ask for these powers, I just have them.”

For those of you who haven’t participated in fantasy sports games you won’t understand what it does to people. I’ve seen guys still sitting in the glow of their computer screens after arriving back home at 3 a.m. because they need to find the best line-up. It’s a great laugh with friends, but if you choose to get in a league with a so-called “expert” then don’t be surprised when he or she sucks every bit of fun out of it. The competitive nature that stems from playing fantasy sports is unbelievable. As if somehow winning the league will magically shed the 10 pounds the person gains from eating Doritos while he/she watches all the games with his/her players in them. Playing with these uber-competitors makes the league unbearable and it’s what I imagine the kids who play in the Little League World Series go through with their Dads:

“I struck out Daddy, do you still love me?”

“It’s complicated. On one hand, you’re a disgrace who can’t even hit a ball flying at 40 mph. I mean come on damn it, even Helen Keller hits that thing at some point. Then again I guess you are my son. I just don’t know if that’s enough.”

Simmons is a guy who has idolized sports and its heroes his whole life so it’s not surprising he tries to find ways to “get in the game.” He failed in his semi-serious bid for the Milwaukee Bucks GM position a while back so fantasy games continue to be a perfect outlet because they stroke his idea of competing in mental combat. Unfortunately, he’s still waiting for the Fantasy Sports League and that million dollar contract

I still can’t quite put my finger on what imagery Simmons conjures up for himself as the mental athlete approaching his “peak.” For a real athlete it’s easy: you can picture what would happen if LeBron James returned to his former high school to play now. He’d beast all over the opposing team with no mercy. The equivalent for Simmons would be ploughing through a sports debate with first-year journalists like they were a pack of retards. It just doesn’t invoke the same image of dominance though does it? It’s difficult to think of mental jousting as exciting, which is probably why ESPN doesn’t broadcast chess matches.

My third issue with Simmons was brought up by Klosterman in the same podcast conversation I referred to earlier. When prominent writers, such as Simmons, start to gain readership to increasingly high levels they start to believe that people want to hear their opinions about everything and not just their opinions on their field of expertise. I don’t know if Klosterman was implying to Simmons he was guilty of this or if he was just saying it happens in general. Either way, Simmons is a trademark example.

It’s that idea of chasing celebrity again. Sports writers or any kind of person in the media hang out with so many high-profile people that they must feel it starts to rub off on them. Simmons has devoted majority portions of his podcasts to talking about his favorite reality TV shows. Tell me, who the fuck cares about Simmons’ views on Audrina Patridge and some random tool she’s banging in The Hills?

Blogging, video-blogging, and twittering has everyone, everywhere thinking that the world needs to know if their baby shat or there’s sexual tension building between them and their next door neighbor who happens to be married.

Just because Shaq could be on the toilet and twitter from his Blackberry that he’s “takin’ a crap. ran out of TP, could someone throw some through my window from the street pls” and it would happen in less than 5 minutes doesn’t mean it’s universal. He’s built an incredibly high-profile by being a superstar athlete to the extent that everyone wants to know what he’s doing all the time.

So then, if everyone is interested in celebrities then why not regular Joe’s too right? Unfortunately for people of that belief, it’s not really the case with the exception of their few overly devoted followers. You know…the ones who will stab you 57 times out of love.

Having said all this, I still don’t think Bill Simmons is anywhere even close to the travesty that Stephen Smith is in terms of pure journalistic contribution. I certainly wouldn’t advocate for him to stop writing. In his case, it’s not a lost cause. Occasionally he just needs his content editor to say to him “No Bill, you can’t write about that. Why? Because Miley Cyrus and her favorite pilates position has fuck all to do with tonight’s game. That’s why.”

If ESPN wants to continue down this road then why not just drop the SPN and merge with E! Online? It’s that or have their editors grow a backbone and stop deferring to their writers.

Bottom line, Simmons may be popular, but that doesn’t mean he should have free reign to talk about things that have nothing to do with sports on a sports website. Michael Jackson’s death was a huge pop-culture event, but that didn’t make me want to listen to Simmons discuss his views on the greatest music video ever made. Even Simmons’ guest Klosterman kept trying to steer him back to relevant topics such as his upcoming book in that podcast.

Bill Simmons should stick to being “The Sports Guy,” and not “The Sports and Everything Else I Find Interesting Guy.” It doesn’t have the same ring to it.

The Editor

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