Stephen A

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

Stephen A. Smith

The reason I chose to write up Stephy for the debut article is because he’s the reason for this whole site. Well, not solely him, but he certainly captained the ship that has sailed ESPN into journalistic mediocrity the past few years. His brain-meltingly poor writing coupled with his impossibly ridiculous broadcasts inspired me to wonder, where the hell is the content editor for ESPN? The editor had to be shooting meth to allow this article to be published.

Any competent first-impression edit of that monstrosity would have resulted in only one outcome: the article would have looked like a person with palsy had an epileptic seizure while their hand was held over it with an industrial, magnum-sized red Sharpie.

(As a side note, I find it a little weird that Sharpie chose to christen their largest marker a “Magnum,” given the commonly known condom brand with the same name. Surely there is another adjective they could have picked, which would have implied similar meaning without associating the marker, already phallic in nature, to a giant dick. But I digress…)

Anyway, that article was what initially gave me the idea for this site and then it simply snowballed the more I watched and read ESPN.

I hate to kick a guy when he’s down, but, honestly, I don’t think Stephy lives in this world. I’m pretty sure he still feels that any day now he’ll get the call up for that “Master of the Universe” position he has been craving.

StephenA.com, which doubles as Smith’s personal website and professional portfolio, is a goldmine for we’re-laughing-at-you-not-with-you humor. The smugness drips from every post and comment reply to the extent that it’s simply hysterical. I’ve been visiting the site for a while now and recently I made a folder on my computer titled “Stephen Smith Ramblings,” where I paste any particularly absurd comment. Safe to say, the folder has filled up quickly. Here is an example from a while back when I started writing for the site.

(In response to criticism about the sound quality of his podcast) Stephy writes: “First of all, thanks for the email and listening to my Podcast. Secondly, wherever I do my Podcast and whatever tools I use have nothing to do with professionalism. I can’t carry a Mic with me. Yes! I have a Mic and the appropriate equipment at home. But it’s not the kind of device I’d carry with me on the road. Would you prefer that I pass on the Podcast? I don’t think so. So consider that before sending your email next time. But I will attempt to get in front of my Mic more often. Take care.”

I love the rhetorical question and answer. You have to admire his absolute belief that the vast majority of the world actually want to hear him speak. That it’s only those few “haters” out there who are sabotaging him. Everyone else better be careful because if you push him he’ll punish you by taking away that one bright spot in your life—his podcast. Ironically, he’s actually threatening to torpedo himself because by axing the broadcast he’d effectively eliminate his only consistent media outlet at the moment. Still, gotta love Stephy for his undying belief that he’s ordained to dominate the airwaves.

His tweets are equally entertaining:

“Quite Frankly has been off the air since Jan. 2007. Again, the love is appreciated, but if more people SHOWED SUPPORT, it might still be on.

That’s an issue with us, meaning Black Folks: We love a lot of things but don’t take enough time to DISPLAY our support. Then when it’s gone

We complain. Think of the shows that would still be on the air today if we were vocal and active in our support. But we never do it. A Shame”

Ah, yes Smith. Just think of all the good that could come about in society if only your show was still on the air. Hmm, let’s see… Watch Quite Frankly where you interview Allen Iverson for a whole hour or paint walls in Africa with teaching aides? Oh wait, that’s redundant because the two tasks are clearly equal in their social worth. Need to come up with a better example.

It does give me an idea though. Someone should market one of those Far-Side type calendars only with “Stephy’s Rhetorical Question of the Week” on it.  A compilation of the best social dilemmas posed by Stephen A for you to ponder and feel bad about yourself because you can’t bring about reform like he can. I think it would sell.

Despite his glaring journalistic flaws and insufferable on-camera persona, I’ve kept up with Stephy because he’s great theater. I hate to use a common metaphor, but he’s really the train wreck you can’t look away from. A true human-genome project broadcast in stunning HD and brilliant 5.1 Dolby surround sound for all to witness.

Ever since Stephy left ESPN I have felt, from viewing his site, like he has been carrying a chip on his shoulder. It’s not altogether that surprising either. Working for ESPN was where he built his name through love and hate. Now he’s moving on to what he hopes will be a bigger venue.

The thing with Stephy that gets me is he tries to appear like he doesn’t give two shits. He comes off like the Bill Belichick of broadcast—endowed with a self-belief that he’s smarter and ahead of all others whether they like it or not. Like he’s not actually a journalist working for the network, but instead a celebrity on par with the ones he interviews and deserving of the same pampering. Like he doesn’t need the people watching, but they need him. For Stephy and the viewer, it’s not give-and-take, it’s bend-over-and-enjoy.  He ends his bio by saying “I want the world, not just the sports world.”

So naturally his posts, tweets, and podcasts reek of this attitude.

“Btw……just Fyi….I’ll be hosting the Steve Harvey Morning Show this Friday morning”

In this tweet Stephy tries to portray a nonchalant attitude about what was his first real bit of work in a while. He dropped two acronyms in three words to show just how aloof he is approaching the whole thing.

I read that tweet and immediately thought he is saying one thing:

“Yeah, you could listen, I don’t really care though. I’m just chillin’ you know. Struggling to get work, but it’s all good. I’ve always wanted to try food stamps. Can’t break me baby.”

But he’s actually thinking another:

“You fucking little pricks. Listen to my show and stop hating me for being so damn brilliant. It’s not my fault that I am everything you want to be. I AM STEPHEN A. I don’t even need a last name I’m so big.”

In terms of the begging scale, where does his tweet rank you think? I’m going to go with an 8, just above “I’m willing to pay people to listen,” and below “I will go as far as to fellate you if you tune in for 15 minutes.”

Through thick and thin Stephy has kept the same Mike Tyson “I’m gonna fuck you till you love me” style that had ESPN management in fits trying to find a suitable position for him. He went from having his own TV show, being a constant guest analyst on primetime sports roundtables, having his own radio show, and having featured columns and op-eds in 2005 to being unemployed in 2009 after effectively being let go by ESPN because he wouldn’t take a vastly reduced contract. That takes a special kind of skill.

So it appears Stephy not only stole Tyson’s children-eating attitude towards his peers, but his ability to fall from grace as well. All that is left now is for it to come out that Stephy told Rachel Nichols not to speak during a report unless she wanted to fornicate with him.

Fast forward to the present and the only great drama that remains is what Stephy will do next. He reassures his adoring fans and, indeed, the countless billions who cheer him on while he sleeps that it’s big and it’s just around the corner.

(In response to a question on when Stephy will next get work) “It’ll happen soon enough. I’m working on somethings. When things go down, everyone will know. Trust me.”

I wonder if the reports of him heading to TNT are true.  I’m sceptical because he doesn’t appear to embrace their entire studio panel if one of his tweets is any indication.

(Twitter response to someone saying they’d like to see Stephy on TNT) — “Appreciate the love, my man. Very nice of you to wish that. Seriously. I’d love to work with Charles and Kenny.”

In case you weren’t aware Stephy, Ernie Johnson works at TNT too. Actually, he kind of hosts their flagship NBA show along with Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith. It’s an interesting omission because I’d say professionally speaking you have more in common with EJ. After all, Charles and Kenny are both former players and you’re nowhere near their profile.

Hmm, so what then does Stephy believe separates him, Charles, and Kenny from EJ…

Must be the hair.

The Editor

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2 Comments

  1. goodness gracious says:
    July 16, 2009 at 3:09 am

    Ballsy, considering you hide behind “The Editor.” Where the hell did you come up with “Stephy” anyways? Is that an attempt of your own to be considered fresh? Look, you’re funny, but it is one thing to randomly blog about a range of topics under a pen name. If you want to write these long profiles blasting PROFESSIONALS, you need to man up and publish your name.

  2. The Editor says:
    July 16, 2009 at 4:13 am

    It is ballsy isn’t it? I would go as far as to say that it’s chock-full of balls. Like an ice cream sundae with extra nuts. Wait, that’s starting to sound wrong…

    I would call “Stephy” more of a nickname rather than an attempt at starting a pop-culture trend, but those things do come from nowhere don’t they?

    The point of the article was that he isn’t a PROFESSIONAL (love the emphasis btw) journalist. He’s simply parading as one when he’s actually just a talking head.

    I do like idea of hiding behind a pseudonym that you brought up. Hadn’t thought of it that way, but it seems exciting. I’m almost like that masked magician who revealed tricks. Bet that guy got laid.

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